Nada. We got nada....

Well. Turns out there is no explanation for Steven's low numbers. The results from his recent labwork came in and everything falls in the normal range. "Everything" being his testosterone and LH levels. This is obviously good news, but at the same time it kind of isn't only because it doesn't explain WHY his sperm count and the related numbers are low. He's 35! He's young! So I spoke to my fertility doctor's nurse today and she wants me to come in for an updated consultation with the doctor. We're basically going to determine our plan of action, I guess. Steven hasn't had a semen analysis done in several months, so I'm hoping that they ask for another one to be done. More time has gone by since he quit smoking so maybe, just maybe, there is a simple explanation for this mess. Maybe he has just needed this much extra time for his sperm production to kick into gear. We'll see what she says. When I was talking to the nurse I expressed frustration over the fact that there is no answer to what is going on and she mentioned that it could be a genetics thing which would require additional testing. I'm not sure if there is anything that could even be done if it turns out there IS something funky going on genetically. Basically, unless he does another semen analysis and it comes back looking good, we are going to do IVF. How do I feel about this? I haven't given up hope that this is definitely what we'll end up doing. I'm holding out hope that we will be able to go with IUI's, but I'm preparing myself for the likely possibility that we'll end up facing IVF. So right now I feel hopeful for the future, disappointed that this is such a rough go for us, grateful that we aren't facing a worse situation and also grateful for my doctor and medical technology, frustrated that there are no answers, uninformed about the IVF process, resigned to what we might have to go through, ready to get the process started, scared because of what all an IVF involves, sad because I just want to hear good news soon, and anxious about dealing with the our insurance company and the financial aspect of an IVF. I guess it's time for me to break out the pamphlet they gave me during our initial visit to start studying up on what we might be up against. Sigh....

No News Just Yet

So I just noticed that I hadn't posted anything since Feb 16th. Not much has happened, but here is what's going on. Steven had blood work done a couple of mornings ago and we are waiting on those results. As soon as his urologist gets the results he will be able to determine what type of treatment Steven needs to undergo. At that point I'll go in for a consultation with my fertility doctor to decide what our plan of action is. Hoping and hoping and hoping that his numbers come back low and are fixable with a six week treatment plan. That would mean (I'm thinking) that we would be able to start some sort of infertility treatment within the next two months. Sigh. Big sigh. *Someone* (MLR) brought it to my attention that I was practically 32, to which I internally replied, "...whaaaat the f&@k?????" and I realized that it is indeed true that I am on the verge of turning 32. Technically I still have five blessed months before IT HAPPENS but, as we know, time does not trickle slowly by. Instead it speeds by like a friggin' freight train and you're left wondering how in the hell a year has gone by and you can sit and literally remember what you were doing the previous year on that same day. Again, sigh. Here's the thing. I always thought that we'd be done having kids by now. Like WAY by now. We cut our honeymoon short by a day so we could meet with my Endo. to talk to her about starting the process of having kids. THAT WAS SIX YEARS AGO. When I say to people how I figured that we'd be done by now and mention how old I am the typical response I get is that "31 (30, 29, 28, 27, etc.) isn't too old to have a baby." or it seems that they somehow are offended that I feel disappointment because I'm my age and don't have a baby yet. Several people have said something like, "Well, I didn't have my baby until I was 30 (or whatever age they were) and it all worked out." Yeah, well I get that it all worked out and that the world didn't end because you were 30 when you had your baby. But you now, I'm allowed to feel disappointment over my circumstances. I'm just saying that I always thought shit would work out differently than it has. Sometimes it's hard to be upbeat and positive that things will work out. I try to remind myself that it really will work out how it's supposed to and when it's supposed to. Not to sound hokey, but I know that our baby is out there. Perhaps he or she is just sitting around waiting to come to life, to be created. Or perhaps he or she lives in another country or with another family right now and we will end up adopting him or her. But there are times (okay there are MANY times) when I see a baby with her family and I can't help it. I get sad and tear up. Sometimes that's okay though.