Wait, did that really just happen?

I haven't posted anything in a while, and while I do have some news about our fertility journey, I want to share what has happened to my family in the last couple of weeks. Last month when I was visiting my parents in Texas my mom and I made a trip to the hospital in San Antonio to visit my aunt who was waiting for a liver transplant. My parents had just moved to San Antonio from Houston and I was down helping them move in and get organized. I will forever be grateful for the timing of their move because it allowed me the opportunity to see my aunt one last time. Within the following two weeks her health deteriorated further. I don’t want to speak incorrectly so I will not mention specific details, but she eventually wound up in ICU on life support where her kidneys ultimately began to fail. It was decided by her family that she would be taken off of life support. My aunt was the kindest, sweetest, gentlest woman I believe that I will ever know in my life. I don’t remember a time when she didn’t have a smile on her face. She had a saying - “I love you higher than the sky, deeper than the sea.” She was so young – only 54 years old, and my heart aches for my uncle and my two cousins. I can’t imagine losing a parent so early in life, and I just hope that they are able to provide one another with the comfort they all need.  My aunt was buried a week ago.

The week leading up to my aunt’s funeral brought more pain for our family. My grandmother went in for a relatively elective heart surgery. She was healthy and full of life. The surgery went well. A few days after the surgery she suffered a couple of strokes….   The good news was that she was in the hospital when this happened – couldn’t have happened at a better place, right? She was rushed into surgery and had a clot buster surgery done and we were assured that, while the damage done was unknown, it was no longer a “life threatening” situation. Unfortunately, it was discovered that too much damage had been done.  The end result, after this elective surgery that she had packed her makeup and shorts for her trip home, was that my grandmother was taken off of life support and passed away. Less than a week after my aunt had been buried. A week to the day after my aunt was buried, my grandmother was buried. Today was her funeral and it was really a celebration of the person that she was and the life she lived. There was crying, but there was laughter. She touched so many people with her kindness, generosity, and her zeal for life. I was fortunate to have three sets of grandparents in my life. My grandmother because just that when my mom and stepdad married when I was a bitty girl. She took me in and never treated me any differently than any of her other grandchildren. She was funny. She loved to dance and sing, play games, play pool. Her quirky sayings. Her black hair. Her gingerbread man cookies on the Christmas tree. Her lasagna every single Christmas Eve. Singing Three Dog Night with my aunt. Margaritas. Repeated stories. Her red nails (which were not red lately, but were for as long as I can remember). Her cat figurine collection. Wine. Old albums being played in the background during a game of cards. Tubing with my cousin. Patience and strength. Faith. Humor. Courage. Her laugh. A phone call with the birthday song being sung while a ukulele was strummed. These are just a few things that fly through my mind when I think of Grandma. I wonder about the future and I worry about her kids – my dad and his brother and sisters. I worry about her granddaughter.

I really haven’t wrapped my mind around what has happened. I’ve felt bad because I don’t feel like I’m mourning like I feel I should be. Don’t get me wrong - I have cried and felt sadness, anger, disbelief. But I don’t think it has hit that within a couple of weeks we lost two fantastically unique women. These two women hit it off at my wedding six and a half years ago. I remember looking over and seeing them dancing with each other….except they weren’t dancing – they were spinning each other around in circles. Which didn’t seem like a good idea at all at the time, but they walked away unharmed. And now I see them together spinning and laughing and having such a wonderful time. I hope that they spin together in Heaven <3

Nada. We got nada....

Well. Turns out there is no explanation for Steven's low numbers. The results from his recent labwork came in and everything falls in the normal range. "Everything" being his testosterone and LH levels. This is obviously good news, but at the same time it kind of isn't only because it doesn't explain WHY his sperm count and the related numbers are low. He's 35! He's young! So I spoke to my fertility doctor's nurse today and she wants me to come in for an updated consultation with the doctor. We're basically going to determine our plan of action, I guess. Steven hasn't had a semen analysis done in several months, so I'm hoping that they ask for another one to be done. More time has gone by since he quit smoking so maybe, just maybe, there is a simple explanation for this mess. Maybe he has just needed this much extra time for his sperm production to kick into gear. We'll see what she says. When I was talking to the nurse I expressed frustration over the fact that there is no answer to what is going on and she mentioned that it could be a genetics thing which would require additional testing. I'm not sure if there is anything that could even be done if it turns out there IS something funky going on genetically. Basically, unless he does another semen analysis and it comes back looking good, we are going to do IVF. How do I feel about this? I haven't given up hope that this is definitely what we'll end up doing. I'm holding out hope that we will be able to go with IUI's, but I'm preparing myself for the likely possibility that we'll end up facing IVF. So right now I feel hopeful for the future, disappointed that this is such a rough go for us, grateful that we aren't facing a worse situation and also grateful for my doctor and medical technology, frustrated that there are no answers, uninformed about the IVF process, resigned to what we might have to go through, ready to get the process started, scared because of what all an IVF involves, sad because I just want to hear good news soon, and anxious about dealing with the our insurance company and the financial aspect of an IVF. I guess it's time for me to break out the pamphlet they gave me during our initial visit to start studying up on what we might be up against. Sigh....

No News Just Yet

So I just noticed that I hadn't posted anything since Feb 16th. Not much has happened, but here is what's going on. Steven had blood work done a couple of mornings ago and we are waiting on those results. As soon as his urologist gets the results he will be able to determine what type of treatment Steven needs to undergo. At that point I'll go in for a consultation with my fertility doctor to decide what our plan of action is. Hoping and hoping and hoping that his numbers come back low and are fixable with a six week treatment plan. That would mean (I'm thinking) that we would be able to start some sort of infertility treatment within the next two months. Sigh. Big sigh. *Someone* (MLR) brought it to my attention that I was practically 32, to which I internally replied, "...whaaaat the f&@k?????" and I realized that it is indeed true that I am on the verge of turning 32. Technically I still have five blessed months before IT HAPPENS but, as we know, time does not trickle slowly by. Instead it speeds by like a friggin' freight train and you're left wondering how in the hell a year has gone by and you can sit and literally remember what you were doing the previous year on that same day. Again, sigh. Here's the thing. I always thought that we'd be done having kids by now. Like WAY by now. We cut our honeymoon short by a day so we could meet with my Endo. to talk to her about starting the process of having kids. THAT WAS SIX YEARS AGO. When I say to people how I figured that we'd be done by now and mention how old I am the typical response I get is that "31 (30, 29, 28, 27, etc.) isn't too old to have a baby." or it seems that they somehow are offended that I feel disappointment because I'm my age and don't have a baby yet. Several people have said something like, "Well, I didn't have my baby until I was 30 (or whatever age they were) and it all worked out." Yeah, well I get that it all worked out and that the world didn't end because you were 30 when you had your baby. But you now, I'm allowed to feel disappointment over my circumstances. I'm just saying that I always thought shit would work out differently than it has. Sometimes it's hard to be upbeat and positive that things will work out. I try to remind myself that it really will work out how it's supposed to and when it's supposed to. Not to sound hokey, but I know that our baby is out there. Perhaps he or she is just sitting around waiting to come to life, to be created. Or perhaps he or she lives in another country or with another family right now and we will end up adopting him or her. But there are times (okay there are MANY times) when I see a baby with her family and I can't help it. I get sad and tear up. Sometimes that's okay though.

I think we might be onto something....

Steven had a C/T scan of his abdomen and pelvic area done Monday evening and I called for his results this afternoon. I *think* we got good news…in a way. Basically, they couldn’t find anything wrong. His kidney looked all normal-like and there weren’t any weird things floating around inside him. So at this point his urologist wants him to have his testosterone levels checked again. Way back when we had our first IUI and found out that his numbers were low he had been put on Clomid to try to boost testosterone production. So if his numbers come back low (which we already know they are) the urologist will either have him take Clomid (pills) or HCG shots a couple times a week for six weeks. This SHOULD improve his numbers. I really hope this is the case and that his numbers will improve to the point of us being able to move forward with an IUI instead of going straight to IVF. So he’ll have labwork done this weekend hopefully and we’ll know soon enough what he needs to be doing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s going on and have had it in my mind that we are going to end up having to do IVF.  A friend of mine asked me today if I was against (I think that was her wording) IVF because of the cost or because of the process itself. I understand that there are some people out there who are opposed to IVF for religious reasons or because they aren’t comfortable with invasive medical procedures like that, but I am definitely not one of those people. Not saying they are wrong for feeling that way– I don’t mean it to sound that way if it does. My personal thoughts are that I don’t care what needs to be done to get us a baby at this point. I was also a growth hormone patient. They made me grow, lol, so I have a different viewpoint and trust in the medical community than some might.

If IVF is what we have to do then so be it, but that doesn’t mean that I am excited to be faced with that news. IVF IS more invasive – incredibly more invasive than IUI and it is also incredibly more expensive. That really is my hang up with it – the cost. No one would be excited about that. BUT I’m not going to let myself get worked up about this until I absolutely know for  sure that it is what we absolutely have to do. No let’s all just keep our fingers crossed that we don’t have to go there, k? =)

And Still We Wait...

It was later than I said it would be, but Steven went in to be checked out yesterday. No blockages, prostate is a-ok, and no problemos with his bladder. Sooooo....what's going on? That's what we want to know! The urologist wants Steven to go in for a CT scan of his abdomen area to see if anything odd stands out. Obviously I want to know what's causing his "issues", but at the same time I'm trying not to...not "freak out" necessarily...become overly-concerned. It was good that his results from yesterday came back good, but that also means that more looking has to be done. Steven is out of town for the next couple of days and will be out of town a few days next week, so we're hoping to get the CT scan taken care of before he leaves again next week. We just want answers! And at this point we're getting closer and closer to me having to go in again to check up on mah uterus...so it'd be good to get him figured out.

So that's it...not a long post, but an update!

Cilantro-Lime Chicken with Avocado Salsa= Happy Tongue

Another Pinterest hit!!! Tonight we had cilantro-lime chicken with avocado salsa. It was so freakin’ GOOD! We are big fans of avocado and lemon so this was right up our alley. I would suggest this to anyone and everyone. Besides it being super tasty delicious, I hit it big nutrionally! The salsa for this dish has tomatoes, which are abundant with nutrients; onion, which are rich in vitamins; and cilantro, which is rich in vitamins, oils, and minerals. Score! For several months we were sharing an avocado every night with dinner. Steven and I like ours topped with lemon juice and sea salt…so good.  It feels really good to like something that is so good for you! According to the California Avocado Commission each avocado provides nearly 20 essential nutrients including fiber, potassium, Vitamin E, B-vitamins and folic acid. Also, avocados were known as “fertility fruit” or “the fruit of kings” to the Aztecs because it was thought to increase a man’s ability to father children. In fact, according to www.justmommies.com , “avocados are largely used to treat infertility in men (because) it helps increase sperm mobility and keeps sperm from grouping together as they make their journey to the egg.”  Avocados aren’t only beneficial for men’s fertility. They are also packed full of folic acid, which women want plenty of to aid in the prevention of birth defects. Avocados are also a source of monounsaturated fat, which is a good fat for our bodies. So load up on the guac, y’all! It’s good for ya!

Cilantro-Lime Chicken and Avocado Salsa

Here’s what you need:

Chicken Marinade:

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts (I only used two and I cut them into smaller pieces so that it would cook quicker.)
2 tbsp finely chopped fresh cilantro
2 ½ tbsp fresh lime juice
1 ½ tbsp olive oil
½ tsp salt
Cooking spray or additional olive oil for the pan

Salsa:

1 cup chopped plum tomato (2 should do)
2 tbsp finely chopped white onion
2 tsp fresh lime juice
¼ tsp salt
1/8 tsp black pepper
1 avocado, peeled and chopped
Additional fresh lime juice for avocado

Here’s what you do:

First you will make a marinade for the chicken. Mix together all of the ingredients for the marinade (minus the cooking spray or additional olive oil) and add the chicken. This is a pretty strong marinade so only leave the chicken in for 3-5 minutes.

While the chicken is sitting in the marinade prepare the salsa by mixing all of those ingredients together. The avocado will go in last. Avocado has a tendency to get brown and yucky looking pretty quickly once it is peeled so I thoroughly coated mine in additional lime juice prior to gently mixing it into the salsa mixture. I refrigerated mine until it was ready to use. Oh, I also added a little bit of cilantro that was leftover from the marinade. I had chopped too much and didn't want to be wasteful.

The recipe (which looks to be originally from www.cookinglight.com) says to cook the chicken on a grill pan. Well, we don’t have one anymore as ours got all wonky from being used in the oven a few too many times so I just used a large pan and sautéed it. I would think that grilling it on a George Foreman grill would be good, too. Anyway, you want to cook the chicken until it is cooked (165 degrees).

Serve the salsa on top of your chicken and enjoy! We also had frozen corn which I mixed with leftover steamed white rice from our Chinese food from the other night. I topped my mixture with some of the salsa and it was yummy! Let me know what you think if you try it!

Mushroom Soup and Jeremy Sisto

In an attempt to be healthy tonight we tried another recipe on Pinterest. We've been out of town for the past weekish and I was ready for home-cooked food instead of Subway or restaurant food. Steven really liked this soup. I'm not the biggest mushroom lover so it was "eh" for me, but if you are fond of mushrooms you should try this. I ended up kind of veering away from healthy to some degree. Steven and I decided that we didn't want the soup by itself so I pan fried a chicken breast for us to share and served the soup over steamed white rice. It was kind of a throwback to my childhood because my mom used to make this same meal except with Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. Anyway, even though it was "eh" for me I still felt pretty good about the fact that mushrooms are jam packed full of Vitamin D. There are two cups of chopped mushrooms in the soup, so I hooked it up.

I'm gonna put the recipe down a little ways, but can first can I just talk about Jeremy Sisto? Remember him from "Clueless"? He was El-Un. He was also on "Six Feet Under" and some other stuff, but to me he will always be El-Un. He's in the new show called "Suburgatory", and it is really cute! I think he's doing such a good job with the gal that plays his daughter. So cute! If you haven't seen it, it's about a single dad and his high school aged daughter who move from NYC to the 'burbs and how different their lives are compared to before. The daughter Tessa is played by Jane Levy, and she is adorable. I can see her doing great things with her career...as long as she doesn't go all Lindsay Lohan and stuff.

Okay, so here's the recipe. I got it from Pinterest, but it looks like it was originally from here: http://blog.seasonwithspice.com/2011/12/cream-of-mushroom-soup-recipe.html. But here it is, y'all:

Mushroom Soup

(The above picture is from the website noted above. Mine looked similar..minus the yummy looking bread.)

2 cups fresh mushrooms - cleaned and chopped finely (I used baby bellas and some white mushrooms from Whole Foods)
1 tbsp olive oil
3 cloves garlic - chopped
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp chopped fresh thyme or 1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 - 2 bay leaf
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 cup chicken or vegetable stock
1 tbsp flour dissolved in 1 tbsp water
Salt to taste
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup milk
Dash of nutmeg
Black pepper to taste

*I didn't notice that whole heavy cream thing when I was making my grocery list so I just added more milk and more flour...came out fine.
* Also, I used vegetable broth instead of stock and I added a good amount extra to keep the soup from getting too thick.

Here's what you do:

1. Heat olive oil in a sauce pan. Add butter and lightly sauté garlic on medium heat.
2. Add in mushrooms, thyme, bay leaf and Worcestershire sauce. Cook over medium heat for 5 minutes, or until the moisture from the mushrooms disappears.
3. Add in chicken broth. Stir occasionally until broth boils, then reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes.
4 Add diluted flour and stir constantly (while simmering) until the mixture thickens. Season with salt and nutmeg.
5. Add milk and heavy cream, and bring to a simmer.