Bitch Ass Ovaries

Friday I went in for bloodwork to check my estradiol levels and to have an u/s to see how things were looking after a week on Letrozole (5mg). Results were not what I wanted to hear: the lone follicle that was found during my baseline u/s was still hanging out but it hadn’t grown at all. This, from what I understand, made it a non-functioning follicle. Doctor decided to have me take my final round of Letrozole the following morning and then come back the next Tuesday (today…I’m behind) for an u/s to see what’s what. Here was my thinking: If nothing had happened after a week on the Letrozole it was pretty unlikely that I would suddenly pop up with several follicles on my own over those three days without the drug. That brings us to today, Tuesday….

I went in for my u/s and heard back fairly quickly from the nurse. The verdict: Doctor had decided to cancel this round because there were no follicles to be found, only a couple of cysts. So I’m to start Provera today and take that for ten days. This will “calm my (bitch ass) ovaries down and start a bleed” according to the nurse. I’m also scheduled for a phone meeting with my doctor this Thursday.

I saw this coming. Not from the start, but after Friday when the lone follicle hadn’t grown at all. I knew in my heart that there would be no good news to find this morning. That doesn’t mean I’m pessimistic but, rather, realistic. I understand enough of what’s going on based on previous experience to just know when something isn’t going to work. But knowing it and expecting it doesn’t make it easier to take. There were tears, but I’m alright now. Frustrated and disappointed, yes, but I’m alright. I struggle with how disappointed I should be throughout this process. Even though we’ve been WANTING and have technically been on this road for several years, it isn’t like we’ve actually been TRYING. I understand that there are women and couples trying month after month on meds, some of them even losing babies, so I know that we haven’t exactly been through the wringer just yet. But, as my best friend (shout out, MLR) helped me to understand, we still have been on this road with or without results. I think for the longest time I just wanted to be doing SOMETHING with this process. And now we are and I should be relieved because we are making process. Not the progress that I’d like, but we are making progress. I understand that, while it sucks that my body didn’t respond to 5mg of Letrozole that maybe it will respond to double that. Doctor can’t slam my body with a high dose of medicine. That would be dangerous and we’d still end up in the same spot – with nothing…except maybe really bad effects from over-stimulation. So I get it. I do, but it still sucks. I’m trying really hard to have a positive outlook, but I’m struggling. I’m not down in the dumps and wah-wah. But I think I just need a smidgeon of good news. Just a bit. I really don’t know what to expect Doctor to say Thursday. Like Steven keeps saying, the worst case scenario right now is that we end up back where we were a year ago with the injections. We know THAT worked. So we wait until Thursday…..

Okay, and as a sidenote, I would like to address my ovaries. If you don't want to function properly (I know, there's more to it than that), can you at least NOT HIDE DURING THE U/S's? IT'S NOT FUNNY.