Anyway,
while I was there I got Steven’s results for his semen analysis. So his numbers
are not looking good, in fact they are lower than they were in July. Now, I
believe that several factors are contributing to this issue. I know he’s not
secretly smoking. I’m not smelling any hint of cigarette smoke on him. If he is
smoking then he sure as hell is doing a fantastic job of getting rid of the
smell. So I know that’s not it. When I first went in for my initial meeting
with my doctor she informed me that it typically takes about three months for
sperm reproduction to get going again after a man quits smoking. So it’s
possible that his body is still in recovery mode. Also, I was reading online
that drastic weight loss can contribute to poor sperm production/count. Over the
past year and a half Steven has dropped over one hundred pounds, which is
pretty drastic. He drinks caffeine (I do, too, but I’m just saying.) And
lastly, Steven has major MAJOR knee problems and requires strong pain meds. So
there is a good chance that they are affecting his numbers. In fact, yesterday
his doctor told him that the type of pain meds he is on are the ones that will
least hurt his liver and reproductive organs. “Least affect”…so that means that
they are probably affecting him. Okay, we don’t know this for sure obviously. I’m
just saying that there are several things that could be working together to
cause this problem. Oh, plus he had been taking Clomid close to when he had his
numbers checked last time so that may have been helping his numbers then. We
have an appointment with a urologist Monday to get him checked out. I know that
he’s concerned that there might be something wrong, but I’m just not going
there at this point. He is a healthy person and has made several positive
changes over the past year and a half so it’s pretty disheartening for him to
find out that his numbers are lower than in July. But at the same time, I hope
and pray that there is nothing wrong. We’ll begin the investigation on that
Monday afternoon.
As for me, I
go back to the doctor Monday morning for a Saline Infused Sonogram (SIS), which
is where saline will be injected into my uterus to extend it so that they can
check things out more clearly. This will allow them to check out my uterus and
also to make sure my fallopian tubes are clear and open. Several years ago I
had something similar done to check my tubes and it was not the most fun thing
ever. I’ve been reassured that this will be less painful, but the way I look at
it (and that first tube check) is that this is just part of the process. Plus,
should I be blessed with a pregnancy I’ll be facing much more painful “stuff”
with a delivery. I say this now, but watch, the SIS will kill me Monday morning
and I’ll be like, “Holy crap, Y’all! That was horrible and I couldn’t walk
afterwards!”
Now for how
I’m feeling. I’m not going to lie. I was really upset when I got Steven’s
results. I know I KNOW that those results don’t mean that we are done, shutting
down the show, etc, but it was still upsetting to learn that there is one more
hurdle to jump in this process. I also know that I could be and might be facing
much more difficult news later during this process, but in the moment it just
wasn’t processed well. I held it together in the doctor’s office, but when I
got back to my car I just broke down and had a mini pity party. Luckily it had
been snowing all morning and I had privacy – my own little snow globe of a car –
and could just cry without worrying about people seeing me. Several times I
thought “Why?” and I’m not going to feel bad for asking that question. I’m just
not. Yes, our situation could be much worse, but this is what we’re facing and
it’s all relative. So I had my pity party, posted a could-be vague status on
Facebook to vent, and then started to pull myself together…partially because I
needed to start the process of looking forward and also because I didn’t want
to have to dig my car out of the snow that was still piling up. Have to be
practical, right? So anyway, I know that things could be worse. You can sit
there and say, “Oh, well that’s nothing. Here’s what WE had to go through.” But
for my own emotional and psychological state, I’m going to let myself feel any
emotions that come my way during this process. This is an incredibly emotional
process, and to be honest, I really don’t let myself think too far below the
surface most of the time. I take a “Here’s what we’re going to do…” attitude
and just go with it. I don’t sit and think about this not working because there’s
no reason to think that way yet. But sometimes I hit a snag and I feel like it’s
best to let myself go with those snags and work through however I’m feeling.
That’s just me though. On top of that it’s like, okay, I’m bringing all my baggage
to the table (that whole not being able to ovulate thing) and now we have to
deal with this on top of it? Not fair! (Again, I KNOW THAT THINGS COULD BE
WORSE.)
So that’s
where we’re at now. I’m still trying to do better with caffeine and my diet (I
will not allow myself to regret that delicious half of a chocolate pistachio cannoli
I ate at lunch) . But y’all, it just plain sucks! And exercising? I need to get
into gear and just GO TO THE GYM. It only got to freakin’ 16 degrees today.
There’s no stinkin’ way I’m walking more than I have to outside, so I need to
just bite the bullet and go to the gym. There’s always tomorrow…
2 comments:
You can do it! Praying for you. And, you don't have to ever feel bad for being sad. It is a super stressful and huge thing you are doing. Not being able to have kids is heartbreaking and TTC is hard work! I hope that saline thing goes okay. Ouch!
Hey, thank you! Your friendship and presence is much appreciated, my dear friend. <3
Post a Comment